Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had
an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 15-year-old
girl, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's
"only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time",
that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and
that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference
this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual
relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out
in time, verily".
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the
Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions
of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had
illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through
foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has
issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as
go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with
the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate,
that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence
of a failed land deal.
In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to
cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued
God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims
that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert
attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a
parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest
group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to
God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter
moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God
recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by
Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any
provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the
ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an
unconstitutional restriction on free speech.