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The Arts

Redneck Holiday

By 'Bitchen' Ric

I am really sore. My abs are killing me! I'll tell you why.

I don't know if you have this in your town, but once a year, my little rural podunk has a "Trash Amnesty Day." You're allowed to throw anything away (no matter how big or how much) and they pick it up on the first Saturday morning in May. This is like a redneck holiday. Imagine a town full of pickup truck owners (with requisite gunracks) and piles of junk sitting in front of every other house! Just imagine: "Hay Martha! Sumbuddy throwed away this perfect set of antlers. Whut a waste! Get out here and throw them in the truck!"

Since I live in Rome, I did as the Romans (hey, if it were New Orleans, I'd throw beads for breasts instead...) and at the stroke of eleven last Friday night, I loaded the kids up in the (1999 candy-apple red with power windows and locks Ford Explorer) pick-em-up truck and set off. My goal was 2 x 4's. The wife's been wanting steps from the back patio to the yard for a long time, so I thought I'd get enough wood to build her some. Yes, I'm that cheap. (I have to keep the kids in Tommy Hilfiger...don't get me started.)

By midnight I'd gathered close to seventy linear feet of 2 x 4's and 2 x 6's. I made out like a bandit. I didn't even have to fight off the hundred or so others out there. I was in hog heaven!

So my weekend was spent pulling nails and screws out of my prized seventy linear feet with a crow bar so I could get it out of my yard. Did you know that pulling sixteen-penny nails and screws is an incredible ab workout? Neither did I. I see an invention and an infomercial in the works...

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